My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
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I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.