Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
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To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
Hamburger Hinderer.
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
So that’s what we looked like?
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
What about a To-Don’t List?
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.