love pickles so much i put myself in one
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Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.