me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
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Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]