Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
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While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.