The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
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People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
I have a place for everything. The floor.
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?