my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
You Might Also Like
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.