How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
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Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
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Expectations vs. Reality
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
i now pronounce you bounced.
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.