imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
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Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
ibopfufen
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.