If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
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Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
“What?”
– Jude
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.