For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
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Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
wtf management?!
Today’s Times
Simple enough.
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*