People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
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Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.