OH. COME. ON.
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When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera