my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
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[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
Not now. I’m deglazing.
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.