How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
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The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less