1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
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roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
This is my cat’s medicine.
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
Proctology is located in A55
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.