how many bears make up a bear minimum
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At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
who wants to go expliring
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
This is a bad sign
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.