People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
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Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
I have never related to anyone more.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo