Eggs benadryl my favourite
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I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.