Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
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The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
Mornin
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.