Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
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Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
finally found a reasonable question
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.