Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
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Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
This week’s mood.
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.