*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
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Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
I never needed anything more in my life
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*