Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
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I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
What even happened today?
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Mornin
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]