Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
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I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.