What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
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I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
I don’t watch a lot of UFC fights, but when I do, I like to pause them when someone gets punched or trapped in a weird position, and say, “I bet you’re wondering how I got here”
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.