elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
You Might Also Like
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
Name this drama.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.