[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
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Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
barbara was highly relatable
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
When you try jalapeños for the first time
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?