if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
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one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
This why you should mind your business
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber