[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
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My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
I’m calling the cops.
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
I just love that new Pope smell.
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly