cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
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If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND