Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
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Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
Big Sex has us all fooled
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
Bootstraps
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
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Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
Beware of the “party goblin”…
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.