Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
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Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
me
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP