*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
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the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No