Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
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Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano