Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
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*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*