He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
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Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
I love the National Park Service.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.