Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
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HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
Seems kinda suspicious
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*