“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
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the prophecies have been fulfilled
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason