German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
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Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
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STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.