[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
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dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.