Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
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Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
I love art.
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
Just how popey was the pope today?
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…