I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
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Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.