My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
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I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
another case of gang violins