Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
You Might Also Like
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.