ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
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My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
*looks at you in batman voice*
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure