My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
You Might Also Like
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
O Wise One….
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
love it when they get my name right
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
You know…for fall…
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”