[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
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Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
pat pat
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
💻🤡
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how