“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
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Breaking news:
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water