The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
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He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
Teamwork makes the dream work.
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!